We are either sons or daughters in the family.
There will come a time when our parents will grow old and become sick. They will required special care. After their deaths, their graves will have to be tended infinitely.
According to Confucian traditions, this is the duty of sons and their wives only. Very clear cut.
Daughters belonged to other families after marriage. Hence, they are not required to come back to care for the sick parents lest they incurred the wrath of their in-laws.
They are also not welcomed at their parent’s graves during Ching Beng or All Soul’s Day for fear of taking away their brother’s good fortune!
What if there is no sons in the family?
Or there is only one son but he did not get married and remained single all his life?
Or he is working in another country and could not come back because he have to earn a living there?
To put it simply, there is not enough males in the family to carry out such duties. In such cases, shouldn’t the daughters step in too?
This question arises last week when my elder brother, the only son in the family, told me that our paternal grandparents’ grave in Batu Gajah had caved in and requires a major repair. Being the only male in the family, the poor guy have to shoulder the responsibility of repairing it. Trust me, such job will require big bucks as Feng Shui is involved. And we also needs a Taoist priest to chant some prayers before work starts.
I thought it is fair for the daughters to help him out but I am not sure if my sisters or their husbands will agree.
What do you think? Is this the job of the son only or the daughter’s as well? Do you think it is okay to go against tradition?
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Married daughters are not bound by traditional Confucian ethics. These ethics also include the rule that inheritance goes only to the sons not daughters, hence the male having the inheritance should look after the graves. l n a modern world with changing socio-political values, these Confucian ethics sometimes do not apply. If the daughter is willing, the husband does not object and they got the money, then it can be done (ie. fund the repairs of the grave). We have a similar problem in the family and all my sisters are informed and if becomes a family decision, and who has money, pay the most.
Hi IpohBornKid,
I found men (fathers, brothers, uncles and husbands) less rigid when it comes to traditions.
If you want to take care of your sick parents or visit their graves, these men gladly allow you to do that without much fuss. To them, you are still the daughter of the family even though you are married. Only very narrow-minded men will stop their women from doing what is close to their hearts.
With women, it is a different story. Women look at these things very differently from men. They are more concerned with the consequences of your actions.
If you go home to take care of your sick parents, expect your mother-in-law to get into a fit of jealousy. She will wonder if you will take care of her too if she fall sick one day.
If you visit your parent’s graves, most probably your sister-in-law will look at you with hostility because she believes you are taking away her husband’s good fortunes.
And if you visit the graves of your grandparents, your aunts will discourage you from doing so because uncle’s wife might not like it for the same reason.
I knew for I have been through all these before. Really, it is not so easy for daughters.
Unless you remained an unmarried daughter, is a financially independent woman or were married to a rich and powerful man (in which case you can tell everyone in your way to get lost and do what you want to do) in real life, there are limitations to what a daughter can do, no matter how much you disagree with this.
Women can be women’s worst enemies. Time to break away from this miserable shackle? Possible but it will take time to change some women’s mindset……
Do whatever you think make sense!! The world nowday are so much different than the Confusian era…..we have to the right thing using our own judgement!!
Hi LY Tai,
Welcome back to my blog. 🙂
Yes, like in this case, I can silently help out without anyone knowing it but in cases like going home to take care of sick parents for long term, be prepared to face a barrage of hostilities from the husband’s family.
Many families still could not come to terms seeing their daughters-in-law going back home to her own family, especially those from the older generations.
I think now that it’s the 21st century, traditions be damned.
If you loved your dad, it shouldn’t matter who repaired his grave and your brother wouldn’t mind too.
I’m sure he’ll be smiling from above.
Hi Bobby,
It’s not my dad’s grave. It was my paternal grandpa’s and grandma’s. My paternal grandpa loved me very much before he died and I loved him too, so I thought I wanted to help repair his grave. 🙂
Well, I’m a round eyed American, so I am not at all qualified to comment on Confucian customs. But I can tell you this: Despite their Korean heritage, filial piety is not exactly among my sons’ strong points, so if I need care as I grow older, my daughter is my only hope! 🙂
The boys are great to drink beer and watch football games with, however 🙂
BTW, I don’t mean to be disrespectful. Just thought that American perspective might make you smile.
Tom, I am completely with you! Boys are good for beer and football but in your old age and in sickness, it is indeed the girls who will be by your bed-side but again, not all girls are prepared to do that.
Some of them are as hopeless as the boys. It all really depends on how much she loves and appreciates you as a dad once she have a family of her own. For some girls, husbands and kids comes first.
Tom, my sons are exactly like yours – perhaps, again like yours, they’ve been too Americanized. Partly my fault for refusing to live in places where there were too many from the Chinese community – I felt that if my children were to be American, they should be well immersed in American culture. Too bad, the boys are to the right of Ronald Reagan. But my daughter, though a Republican, is a decent human being and often kept and still in touch.
Lucky Larry! 🙂
Go ahead without fear or favour. It is a good deed. It is also a practical solution unless your siblings want to take over or assist (contribute too?) That’s my personal opinion Good luck
Hi Toman,
Thanks. 🙂 Yes, I’ll do whatever I can to help him out. I know he appreciates it. It is really for my grandfather’s memory more than anything else.
Good on you IpohGal
Happy New Year 2013 !
Happy New Year 2013 to you too, Caroline!